Ramblings. Of a mad woman. That is all.

There are just an overwhelming number of posts under both the cyclothymia and quetiapine tags which bring me down. They’re sad and hard, about medication not working, uncontrollable mood swings, depression, side effects, social deprivation.

So I thought I’d tell my story, for a little bit of hope.

To start - I am a 32 year old woman from Aotearoa New Zealand. The psych who diagnosed me with cyclothymia six months ago suggests that I’ve been experiencing symptoms for about 20 years - since puberty. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue and ADHD. None of these were correct.

Cyclothymia is a mood disorder in the same family as bi-polar. It means I experience depression and hypomania. My highs aren’t as high and my lows aren’t as low as bi-polar 1 or 2, and I’m on a shorter cycle - generally my depressive episodes last 2-4 weeks, and mania 2-5 days. There is nothing else, just the rollercoaster.

I take 250mg of quetiapine each evening for two reasons. First to even out those mood swings. My depression becomes closer to even keel, and on top of the medication can be managed by actions - fresh food, fresh air, time with people I love, routines to make it easier to get out of bed and maintain a hygiene routine. My mania is less effected, but the most important thing for me is that I’m aware that I’m manic - it makes it much easier to ensure I don’t over-commit myself (which screws me over when the fog descends).

The second reason I medicate is the long term impact of unmanaged cyclothymia. In this sense, it can be thought of like pre-diabetes. Not a guarantee you’ll develop the disease - in my case the much more harmful bi-polar 2 - but if you are careful you can squash that possibility. The more I actively manage my condition, the less likely disorder evolution is.

Sure, I experience some side effects. Orgasm is a little more difficult. I have such a dry mouth some morning it sounds like I’m slurring. Getting up in the morning is hard, but let’s be honest, getting up in the morning when you’re depressed isn’t exactly a picnic.

Over all, after 6 months of medicating? My life is measurably better. I’m better able to spend time maintaining relationships. My overall sex drive is more consistent. I don’t feel like I’m racing ahead and everyone round me are idiots who can’t keep up with my train of thought. I don’t over-commit one day, to under deliver the next. In 6 months, I haven’t once thought I don’t actively want to die, but wouldn’t it be easier for everyone if I never existed?

I’m a better friend, partner, colleague. I’m more me. I play piano and sew dresses I’ll never wear and read absolute trash romance novels. I collect vinyl - I order an album and anticipate it’s arrival, not forget in a fog. I can budget, because I can find happiness in more than just consumerism and an endless cycle of couriers.

It’s not for everyone, and it’s not everything. I still need to take a walk, plan my week, make more of an effort than neurotypical folk. On recommendation, because 2023 is going to be a landmark year for me, I’m starting cognitive behavioral therapy so I have more tools when life gets more intense.

But I wouldn’t go back.

phox-129:

Rotpl as text posts part THREE brought to you by 3 am sleepy tired

hjarta:

hjarta:
literally not surprised in the slightest
yes he did

Don’t forget that power *always, always, always* corrupts.

Radical indie Taika with deep whakapapa connections and tūrangawaewae? Has people to keep him humble and informed. We hold each other up.

Corporate shrill for big money Hollywood Taika, living on someone else’s land, telling other people’s stores? Doesn’t. Blows with the winds that pay him.

Tale as old as time. Power corrupts.

polytropic-liar:

tlirsgender:
tlirsgender:
The first couple of captain america movies were good. I know. I know. I hate the mcu too but the first couple of captain america movies were good I’m Sorry. I have to speak my truth
The mcu wasn’t ALWAYS completely soulless. Like it was never high art or anything it’s always been kinda silly action movies but the first couple of em were good. I’m not gonna let the first avenger + winter soldier get memory hole’d Never forget what we once had. Me & like three other people are left standing in the stucky trenches in 2023. I am cringe but I am right. Remember what we believed in
I’ll happily go farther than that: Winter Soldier is a great movie. The dialogue is good, the pacing is good, each supporting actor gets a solid arc which means for once Natasha and Fury are written well and Anthony Mackie gets to show off his range, the fight choreography is snappy and well thought-out, and the Bucky reveal is timed and acted impeccably.
Also, not to soapbox about this again like it’s 2014 lol, but while I’m on the fence about how intentional it was, they really did go ahead and say “the core of US military imperialism is white supremacy and it’s irredeemable, the only thing to do with it is expose it and burn it down” and they said it cogently and impactfully.
Wasn’t aware that people were saying that these movies were bad? But this is a hill I’m perfectly willing to die on even 9 years later. Of course taste is subjective but I’m with OP, I’m speaking my truth and Winter Soldier was awesome.

schmaniel:

fierceawakening:
martemisss:
pancakeke:
pancakeke:
lmao project runway season 12 has a guy with a cochlear implant and he said he’s not worried about anyone getting on his nerves because if they start he’ll just turn the device off.
Some other guys got into a screaming match and this guy stayed true to his word
“nothing you were saying is worth my batteries” asjkxbdjzjxhzhnznzn
Big Deaf Energy
devastating. how do you come back from that? you have to move to another state and change your name. fake your death. wow.

they have a point though. you wouldn't need everyone to accommodate you if you just lost weight, but you're too lazy to stick to a healthy diet and exercise. it's that simple. I'd like to see you back up your claims, but you have no proof. you have got to stop lying to yourselves and face the facts

Anonymous

fatliberation:

Must I go through this again? Fine. FINE. You guys are working my nerves today. You want to talk about facing the facts? Let’s face the fucking facts.
In 2022, the US market cap of the weight loss industry was $75 billion [1, 3]. In 2021, the global market cap of the weight loss industry was estimated at $224.27 billion [2].
In 2020, the market shrunk by about 25%, but rebounded and then some since then [1, 3] By 2030, the global weight loss industry is expected to be valued at $405.4 billion [2]. If diets really worked, this industry would fall overnight.
1. LaRosa, J. March 10, 2022. “U.S. Weight Loss Market Shrinks by 25% in 2020 with Pandemic, but Rebounds in 2021.” Market Research Blog.
2. Staff. February 09, 2023. “[Latest] Global Weight Loss and Weight Management Market Size/Share Worth.” Facts and Factors Research.
3. LaRosa, J. March 27, 2023. “U.S. Weight Loss Market Partially Recovers from the Pandemic.” Market Research Blog.
Over 50 years of research conclusively demonstrates that virtually everyone who intentionally loses weight by manipulating their eating and exercise habits will regain the weight they lost within 3-5 years. And 75% will actually regain more weight than they lost [4].
4. Mann, T., Tomiyama, A.J., Westling, E., Lew, A.M., Samuels, B., Chatman, J. (2007). “Medicare’s Search For Effective Obesity Treatments: Diets Are Not The Answer.” The American Psychologist, 62, 220-233. U.S. National Library of Medicine, Apr. 2007.
The annual odds of a fat person attaining a so-called “normal” weight and maintaining that for 5 years is approximately 1 in 1000 [5].
5. Fildes, A., Charlton, J., Rudisill, C., Littlejohns, P., Prevost, A.T., & Gulliford, M.C. (2015). “Probability of an Obese Person Attaining Normal Body Weight: Cohort Study Using Electronic Health Records.” American Journal of Public Health, July 16, 2015: e1–e6.
Doctors became so desperate that they resorted to amputating parts of the digestive tract (bariatric surgery) in the hopes that it might finally result in long-term weight-loss. Except that doesn’t work either. [6] And it turns out it causes death [7], addiction [8], malnutrition [9], and suicide [7].
6. Magro, Daniéla Oliviera, et al. “Long-Term Weight Regain after Gastric Bypass: A 5-Year Prospective Study - Obesity Surgery.” SpringerLink, 8 Apr. 2008.
7. Omalu, Bennet I, et al. “Death Rates and Causes of Death After Bariatric Surgery for Pennsylvania Residents, 1995 to 2004.” Jama Network, 1 Oct. 2007.
8. King, Wendy C., et al. “Prevalence of Alcohol Use Disorders Before and After Bariatric Surgery.” Jama Network, 20 June 2012.
9. Gletsu-Miller, Nana, and Breanne N. Wright. “Mineral Malnutrition Following Bariatric Surgery.” Advances In Nutrition: An International Review Journal, Sept. 2013.
Evidence suggests that repeatedly losing and gaining weight is linked to cardiovascular disease, stroke, diabetes and altered immune function [10].
10. Tomiyama, A Janet, et al. “Long‐term Effects of Dieting: Is Weight Loss Related to Health?” Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 6 July 2017.
Prescribed weight loss is the leading predictor of eating disorders [11].
11. Patton, GC, et al. “Onset of Adolescent Eating Disorders: Population Based Cohort Study over 3 Years.” BMJ (Clinical Research Ed.), 20 Mar. 1999.
The idea that “obesity” is unhealthy and can cause or exacerbate illnesses is a biased misrepresentation of the scientific literature that is informed more by bigotry than credible science [12].
12. Medvedyuk, Stella, et al. “Ideology, Obesity and the Social Determinants of Health: A Critical Analysis of the Obesity and Health Relationship” Taylor & Francis Online, 7 June 2017.
“Obesity” has no proven causative role in the onset of any chronic condition [13, 14] and its appearance may be a protective response to the onset of numerous chronic conditions generated from currently unknown causes [15, 16, 17, 18].
13. Kahn, BB, and JS Flier. “Obesity and Insulin Resistance.” The Journal of Clinical Investigation, Aug. 2000.
14. Cofield, Stacey S, et al. “Use of Causal Language in Observational Studies of Obesity and Nutrition.” Obesity Facts, 3 Dec. 2010.
15. Lavie, Carl J, et al. “Obesity and Cardiovascular Disease: Risk Factor, Paradox, and Impact of Weight Loss.” Journal of the American College of Cardiology, 26 May 2009.
16. Uretsky, Seth, et al. “Obesity Paradox in Patients with Hypertension and Coronary Artery Disease.” The American Journal of Medicine, Oct. 2007.
17. Mullen, John T, et al. “The Obesity Paradox: Body Mass Index and Outcomes in Patients Undergoing Nonbariatric General Surgery.” Annals of Surgery, July 2005. 18. Tseng, Chin-Hsiao. “Obesity Paradox: Differential Effects on Cancer and Noncancer Mortality in Patients with Type 2 Diabetes Mellitus.” Atherosclerosis, Jan. 2013.
Fatness was associated with only 1/3 the associated deaths that previous research estimated and being “overweight” conferred no increased risk at all, and may even be a protective factor against all-causes mortality relative to lower weight categories [19].
19. Flegal, Katherine M. “The Obesity Wars and the Education of a Researcher: A Personal Account.” Progress in Cardiovascular Diseases, 15 June 2021.
Studies have observed that about 30% of so-called “normal weight” people are “unhealthy” whereas about 50% of so-called “overweight” people are “healthy”. Thus, using the BMI as an indicator of health results in the misclassification of some 75 million people in the United States alone [20].
20. Rey-López, JP, et al. “The Prevalence of Metabolically Healthy Obesity: A Systematic Review and Critical Evaluation of the Definitions Used.” Obesity Reviews : An Official Journal of the International Association for the Study of Obesity, 15 Oct. 2014.
While epidemiologists use BMI to calculate national obesity rates (nearly 35% for adults and 18% for kids), the distinctions can be arbitrary. In 1998, the National Institutes of Health lowered the overweight threshold from 27.8 to 25—branding roughly 29 million Americans as fat overnight—to match international guidelines. But critics noted that those guidelines were drafted in part by the International Obesity Task Force, whose two principal funders were companies making weight loss drugs [21].
21. Butler, Kiera. “Why BMI Is a Big Fat Scam.” Mother Jones, 25 Aug. 2014.
Body size is largely determined by genetics [22].
22. Wardle, J. Carnell, C. Haworth, R. Plomin. “Evidence for a strong genetic influence on childhood adiposity despite the force of the obesogenic environment” American Journal of Clinical Nutrition Vol. 87, No. 2, Pages 398-404, February 2008.
Healthy lifestyle habits are associated with a significant decrease in mortality regardless of baseline body mass index [23].
23. Matheson, Eric M, et al. “Healthy Lifestyle Habits and Mortality in Overweight and Obese Individuals.” Journal of the American Board of Family Medicine : JABFM, U.S. National Library of Medicine, 25 Feb. 2012.
Weight stigma itself is deadly. Research shows that weight-based discrimination increases risk of death by 60% [24].
24. Sutin, Angela R., et al. “Weight Discrimination and Risk of Mortality .” Association for Psychological Science, 25 Sept. 2015.
Fat stigma in the medical establishment [25] and society at large arguably [26] kills more fat people than fat does [27, 28, 29].
25. Puhl, Rebecca, and Kelly D. Bronwell. “Bias, Discrimination, and Obesity.” Obesity Research, 6 Sept. 2012.
26. Engber, Daniel. “Glutton Intolerance: What If a War on Obesity Only Makes the Problem Worse?” Slate, 5 Oct. 2009.
27. Teachman, B. A., Gapinski, K. D., Brownell, K. D., Rawlins, M., & Jeyaram, S. (2003). Demonstrations of implicit anti-fat bias: The impact of providing causal information and evoking empathy. Health Psychology, 22(1), 68–78.
28. Chastain, Ragen. “So My Doctor Tried to Kill Me.” Dances With Fat, 15 Dec. 2009. 29. Sutin, Angelina R, Yannick Stephan, and Antonio Terraciano. “Weight Discrimination and Risk of Mortality.” Psychological Science, 26 Nov. 2015.
There’s my “proof.” Where is yours?

feministism:

insomniac-ships:

Proship, at it’s very core, is a combination of four general principles–
Ship And Let Ship
Your Kink Is Not My Kink And That’s Okay
Don’t Like, Don’t Read/Dead Dove: Do Not Eat
The Golden Rule - Treat others the way you wish to be treated.
That’s it. That’s all there is to it. That is what proship means. These things used to be common sense. I guess it’s not so common anymore.

animentality:

penrosesun:

hadeantaiga:
priapocalypse:
hadeantaiga:
weirdlittleguy:
hadeantaiga:
“So YoU’rE sAyInG mEn HaTe OtHeR mEn?”
Yes. Yes I am. And you can ask literally any marginalized man and they will tell you American Patriarchy hates them, too, specifically because they are being men in the “wrong way”.
Like fuck, this is feminism 101.
Edit: it’s non-radfem feminism 101.
Just look at the way that manosphere wierdos talk in reference to other men: they are competitors to be dominated either socially or with explicit violence. The whole grift is built on selling men the idea that they can climb their way to the top of the pile
^^^ This. It’s like a pyramid scheme of abuse. “If you throw fifteen men under the bus and convince five of your friends to throw fifteen other men under the bus, you can Win at Patriarchy, we promise!”
I can’t agree enough with this, and it’s something more and more men are speaking up about, even if our voices aren’t being heard.
Man box culture, as some call it, starts when we’re young. It’s pervasive - the competition to be a real “man” as defined by violence, dominance, and this absolutely fucked up concept of emotional detachment. It’s a raw struggle to not appear weak, and it starts with how adult men treat male children - the toxic values they instill, sometimes with words and sometimes with fists. And even if you grow up in a less toxic and more loving environment, you’re never really free from it. Your male role models, male adults like teachers and such, but especially male friends who are your age, all get caught up in this toxic system of abuse. And “real men” don’t have emotions, right? So you have to bottle all that up rather than understanding any of it because it’s *weakness.* All of that tends to come out in the one emotional state that men allow each other to display: anger. Shit, by the time most boys reach high school, they’ve been struggling against each other for years. All that hate, that anger, that uncontrollable rage? That’s been taught to them long before teenage testosterone hits. And by that time, it’s gotten worse because the patriarchy has defined how “real men” see and treat women. Underneath everything is this deep, deep fear of failing and becoming the weak punching bag. There’s so much shame to it all.
It isn’t always like this for every boy growing up, but no one is left unaware of its existence. And the only true way to stop it begins when we are young.
This is fucking heartbreaking.
One of my friends in law school once opened up to me and a few other people in our mixed-gender friend group that he didn’t really have friends before he knew us, even though he thought he did. We sort of nodded like, yeah man, we’re glad you’re our friend too, sorry people back in your home town were shitty – and he stopped us like, no, you don’t understand. He told us that he thought he had friends, and that those people thought that they were his friends – but that his all-male small-town social circle constantly hurled abuse at each other, and that they all thought that that was normal. He told us that he used to go out partying with them, and whereas when we’d go out, we’d talk each other up – like, man, nice shirt, love what you did with your hair, I bet chicks are gonna dig it, etc. – back in his old circle of friends? All they’d ever do before going out was talk each other down. You’re dressed worse than your friends? You look like trash. You’re dressed better than your friends? Why do you care so much about you’re appearance, are you gay? You’re dressed exactly the same as your friends? Wow, look at this loser copying other people’s look. You could never win, you could never even break even, and you were expected to not only put up with this, but to participate, because that sort of normalized constant stream of verbal abuse was the main way that you and other men your age socialized. He literally did not realize that men could have actual, real friendships – with women, sure, but also with other men – until he met us, because to him, the act of hanging out with people who you weren’t dating was so deeply intertwined with toxic competitive expectations that he flat out didn’t know that there was a different way to be until he moved halfway across the country for law school in his late 20s.
It’s incredibly fucked up, and men should be able to talk about what a patriarchal culture like that does to them without being silenced.

eggtrolls:

brightlotusmoon:
supreme-leader-stoat:
rainaramsay:
the-questionmark-kid:
genedoucette:
catblog-weatherwax:
hermionewasatimelady:
hungry-skeleton:
lynati:
couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name:
novas-grimoire:
procrastinatorkimberlygrey:
cryptidpdf:
couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name:
couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name:
the-niffler-is-loose-again:
couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name:
couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name:
unfortunately I’m watching supernatural and someone on screen said ‘there are No Wolves in pennsylvania’ and I was like. what a bold incorrect statement. where did they possibly get that idea from. so I googled it…google is insisting there are no wild wolves in pa?? except I’ve Seen wolves here?? there used to be a wolf that would hang out in my backyard and roam around the neighborhood?? like Everyone knew about this wolf we assumed he lived on the golf course and would come to our yards if he got spooked by golfers (very quiet block). like we all thought he just lost his pack or whatever so people just gave him a wide space and let him chill, he didn’t try to break into any houses or attack any pets but this was definitely. a wild wolf. where. where did he come from what do you MEAN there aren’t wolves in pennsylvania I’m literally spiraling right now
still feeling so gut-punched over this
To be fair, PA also said “we did not reintroduce mountain lions, they are not there, you’re seeing really big house cats, please keep coming to the parks and camp sites and ignore that video, that was totally not a mountain lion, someone took last week”
okay I’m sorry but this came up on pinterest and I Screamed
you are the state of Pennsylvania (allegedly)
i just showed this to a friend from pennsylvania and 1. theyre losing their mind bc theyve seen mountain lions which prompted them to look it up which leads me to 2. this fucking bonkers article
[caption: “We’ve been here 45 years and I’ve probably been told by people at least 100 t imes that they’ve seen a cougar or mountain lion,” said owner Vince Hall. “I kind of doubt they saw a cougar, but I’m not God.”]
PA: I can’t believe we’ve lost all our native apex predators
Citizens of PA: there’s a mountain lion right there
PA: sometimes we can still hear the sound of them scaring away tourists
…PA has fucking EMUS and you want me to believe we have no wolves or mountain lions?
Originally posted by chlorine-tablets
what the fuck do you mean we have emus
http://emusontheridge.com/

https://www.abc27.com/news/us-world/strange/update-runaway-perry-county-emu-found-after-seven-months-on-the-run/
Guys, I’ve cracked it
This thing goes all the way to the top
‘Mystery animal’ escapes from Pennsylvania wildlife rescue
Rescuers still don't know what the animal is... and now it's on the loose.
KIRO 7 News Seattle
what the fuck is happening in pennsylvania
As a regretful born and raised Pennsylvanian, we have wolves, coywolves, mountain lions, lynx, and coyotes. Not a single person in authority will admit to there being anything but coyotes and lynx. If you see a cougar, they will tell you you saw a lynx. If you see a wolf, they will tell you you saw a coyote. Ignore the massive differences in sizes. No one knows what a coywolf is but we have them. I have seen a cougar with my own two goddamned eyes. There is an entire nature park whose main attractions are the cougars and wolves (and bison but we’re not talking about them) - it’s called Penn’s Cave, it’s been there forever. Everyone I know has seen a cougar or wolf at least once in the woods.
So what I’m getting at is don’t trust the government.
“the state of Pennsylvania is gaslighting its citizens about the native wildlife”
My spouse was born in PA (Bethlehem, Mt Sinai) and he is enjoying this entire thread, which we might show his cousins who live in Philly and have seen the These Aren’t Cougars.
Warning as footage appears to show mountain lions roaming Pennsylvania—Cops
There hasn't been a confirmed mountain lion sighting in Pennsylvania since the 1930s, when they were officially declared extinct east of Mis
Newsweek
we’re so back

ink-phoenix:

derinthescarletpescatarian:
geocaprican:
starmancyrus:
gandalfsbignaturals:
blastovkatamarinecromancy:
fierceawakening:
funny-tik-toks:
I love how hard Steve is laughing.
Assigned Daquan at the Stand up comedy club
oh my GOD what is her name i wanna watch more
That is Christopher Caldwell aka Bob the Drag queen and he is iconic
I’ve seen this clip countless time (and still fucking funny 😂🤣) but I was today years old when I learned Bob’s government name, which honestly makes this joke even funnier
I’m sorry Chris chose the name Bob and is complaining about Steve?
Pls everyone go watch woke man in a dress on youtube